I’m going to tell you now, my story won’t make you cry. It’s not terrible and most will say I should be grateful for what I have but I don’t want to hear any of that. I just want to get this all out.

My name is Rachel. I was born September 17, 1995. My parents were happily married, I was not a mistake. I was loved as a child and I had a very nice childhood. I don’t remember much of it, only that I was almost deaf in kindergarten. Luckily, I got a surgery to get tubes in my ears and now I’m fine. The problems started at the end of 5th grade, which was 2007. I had just started using the computer and myspace. I made a myspace but not a normal one like most. I made a roleplay account. A brief description of roleplay would be: You use pictures of a celebrity and basically make up a whole new you. You meet people from everywhere, basically. It’s more complicated than that but basically I wanted to be anyone but me so I went on there. I met a boy from Florida. I remember the date: May 25, 2007. We got so close, it was ridiculous. He became my best friend. But I depended on him too much. I also became best friends with his neighbor. She is still my best friend today. Jake and Kelly were the only people I trusted. I had never met them but when I had a problem, I thought of them. They’re 2 years older than me, but who cares about age right? Jake became the center of my world, but I didn’t notice. I honestly didn’t notice how dependent I became on him. I went to him for everything. He always made me feel better and always gave me some advice. I didn’t notice at the time, but I was so selfish and I took him for granted more than you could imagine. I knew he was having trouble yet I would complain about anything and everything and he would never say “let’s talk about me for a second,” or “I’m upset.” And I never asked. It was 6th grade and I had changed a lot. I didn’t talk to anyone, ever. I read and did my work. I hated everyone. I remember this one guy calling me fat. I still remember who it was, where we were, what day it was, and what I was wearing. I remember all that because he called me fat to my face. I was shy and scared to death of everything around me. I talked to Jake and Kelly and that’s it. Then Jake’s parents took his computer away. It honestly felt like the end of the world but Kelly kept me and Jake in contact. He picked “our song” and, to this day, it is my favorite song of all time. Hello Beautiful by The Jonas Brothers. I cry every time I hear it. So, 6th grade went by and I never made a sound. The teachers were worried about me because I was “antisocial”. I just didn’t like anyone. Except Kelly and Jake. Kelly would tell me that Jake asked her every single day how I was doing. I never asked once how he was, well maybe a couple times but just because I wanted to complain about myself. I became depressed in 6th grade, also. I cut. I think more for attention than anything. I wanted to see who cared. Only Jake and Kelly cared and that pushed me over the edge. My view on my friends at school completely changed. My mom found out and made me see a therapist. She was crazy and I hated it more than anything. Eventually, I stopped seeing her. Jake moved from Florida to Tennessee on January 16th, 2008 and that’s when I lost most contact with him. The only contact I had with him was when Kelly would tell me about her phone calls with him. Then the summer of 2008, he got sick. I hoped he’d get better, I thought he would. All I was excited about was it was almost my 13th birthday and Jake would wish me a happy birthday. That excited me. But a week or so before my birthday, Kelly called me and my whole world fell apart. Jake had died. I cried for 3 hours with Hello Beautiful on repeat. After he died, I was a mess. A complete mess. But I saw how much I had changed because of him. I honestly looked back on my life with Jake and saw me go from this preppy, happy, peppy, pink girly girl to what I am now, dark, sad, complaining, angry, self loathing, and confused. I had grown and matured and learned so much from him. But I also saw how terrible of a friend I was. Kelly told me she got to talk to him the night before he died and instead of freaking out over most likely dying, like I would be, he asked her how I was doing and she told him not that great and he gave me some advice, like he always does. To this day, I don’t understand why or how he cared so much. But I am so thankful and happy and in awe that I knew this amazing person. He changed my life. All 7th grade, whenever I was upset or something, I’d look to the sky, think of Jake, and breathe. Me and Kelly lost contact, only talking a little here and there. 7th grade was a blur of fights with friends, losing friends, bad grades, mean people, and jerks. Once 8th grade came I was so happy to be leaving everyone and going to a private high school. I hated everyone so much and I was so angry. But then I met Kris. Oh Kris. I started liking him in September. He was funny and sweet and odd but I liked it. He asked for my number and for some reason, that felt amazing. Like someone actually wanted to talk to me. We grew very close and I heard he was going to ask me out one day. I was so excited and happy. He always talked to me in school and gave me hugs and walked me to class. He made me feel comfortable and special. But then he broke my heart. He started dating another girl. I cried. I was so mad and hurt, I stopped talking to him. But then he broke up with her so I would talk to him again and, of course, I would. I let this happen four times. Four times he asked out the same girl instead of me then broke up with her so I’d talk to him again. I really liked him. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone. I honestly think I loved him. That was the first time my heart had ever been broken and it was the worst feeling in the world. Now, in 9th grade, I’m just depressed and empty. I met a guy (no name) and I fell for him fast. He was a player and an asshole. He lead me to believe he wanted to be my friend, which is what I wanted, then basically said I wasn’t good enough to be his friend. He made me feel even lower than I already felt. I hate him. I’m done with him. And now, at this very moment, I’m miserable. I’m alone, scared, shy, unhappy, empty, and numb. All I’ve been saying lately is “I don’t care”. I don’t care about anything anymore and that worries me. But I’m so done with life. I think about suicide more than you could imagine but I’m too much of a coward to ever actually kill myself. I just want to feel special and happy again.

So this may not make sense and be all over the place, but I’m going to fix this rough draft soon. I know to you, my life hasn’t been bad but you’re not me. You don’t know what I feel everyday. I look in the mirror in the morning and I am absolutely disgusted with what I see. I see how no guy even gives one glance and know it’s because I’m worthless. I don’t understand why people don’t like me, they just don’t. I’m nothing special, I’m nothing at all and you don’t know what that feels like. To walk around wishing you were dead. So if you read all this, thanks. I really appreciate it and I hope you maybe learned something (if it wasn’t too confusing.)